I Have Doubts

It's not something many people will openly admit.  But maybe we should. Maybe we need to confess this to each other so that we don't feel so alone - even guilty.  So, here it goes.

Sometimes I doubt God.

There are times when I doubt that God really hears me.  Although I know he does.

I wonder sometimes how God could possibly love me.  Surely,  I have displeased or disappointed Him in so many ways that can't be true.  But I know it is.

I wonder if maybe I am not worthy to have my prayers answered. Maybe I don't deserve to have the abundant life that God promises.  I know it's not true.  I know He is working all things for good.  I know this.

And yet... I still find myself doubting sometimes.

I believe that we all feel this way sometimes.  God knows it.  Even if we won't admit it to others, ourselves, or Him.  My doubts don't make Him any less consistent, good, merciful or just - and, most importantly, He doesn't love me any less.  Even when I have doubts.

Past The Doubt

There is faith which is inherited.  Knowing what you know and believing it because it is what you have always been told and shown examples of in life.  When you just believe what you know to be true without question.

Then there is faith born from doubt.  When you have asked the questions.  You have done the searching in the dark and have found the light.

I believe it's not unusual to have questions or to doubt.  We wonder if God cares about us.  We question if we have strayed to far to find our way back to Him.  We doubt His love.  We doubt His grace.  We may even doubt His very existence.

The Man of the House and I both grew up Catholic.  As a young couple identifying ourselves as Catholic, we did all the things we were supposed to do.  We got married in the church.  We attended Mass almost every week and on holy days.  We took communion.  We baptized our children. Sure, there were a few things in the church's teaching which we didn't 100% agree with, but nothing we couldn't live with.

But over time the doubts began to grow. I found myself wondering what (if anything) I did believe.

We stopped going to Mass and attended different churches here and there.  Over time, we became complacent about finding a church and grew fond of our lazy Sundays filled with sleeping in and spending all morning on the couch.  I stopped searching for God's will and began following my own path.

But at some point you look around and realize that what you are doing just isn't working.  You see exactly how far away that path has led you from God and exactly how lost you really are.  You come to the end of yourself and cry out for help.

The good news is that God is always there - loving you and patiently waiting for you to return to Him.  Not to condemn you, but to forgive.  To comfort you.  To give you strength.   To light the path and show you the way.

It's not about the church you attend.  It's not about doing certain things or following some set of man-made rules.  It's not about you at all.  It's about His mercy and grace.  It's about what Christ did up on the cross for each of us.  It's about God's love and greatness.

When you realize that He has the answers you have been looking for; that is the moment you see the light and find your way out of the darkness.  That is where you move past the doubt and find your faith.

Doubt and Anxiety

Doubt and anxiety are eating me alive today.


I thought quitting my paying job was the right decision.  It wasn't a choice I made lightly.  I agonized over it.  I prayed and prayed over it.  I thought that was the right path for the next phase of my life. I would stay home, have my little Etsy shop, take care of my family and manage my home - and all would be right with the world. It all seemed so clear.

Now things are fuzzy.

As we look into the face of expense after unexpected expense my anxiety increases. Queen B's Busy Work isn't buzzing, it's crawling along on it's best days. The items I took to the consignment store still sit on display, unsold. Instead of the bright sunny future I pictured as I made plans, things are looking tight, grim and bleak.

I have a gnawing, nagging, nauseous feeling in my gut. I am doubting myself and the choices I have made in the past year.  I feel guilty for not having a steady income coming in like I used to. I find myself wondering if I should go apply for a part time job - any part time job.  I am beating myself up for leaving my previous job. 

This isn't the way it was supposed to be.

Raging Waters

The other night while reading "The Zookeeper's Wife" by Diane Ackerman I came across a few paragraphs which described how how a rabbi in the Warsaw ghetto during the Nazi occupation would teach people to disconnect from their thoughts, as if watching a river flow by.

The mental image stuck with me; and I've spent some quiet moments reflecting on the mental image of rivers as thoughts and how they flow.

Negative thoughts, sadness, doubts, anger, despair - they are all like a flooded river, swirling past us. If we toss ourselves into the middle of any of them, we will be swept away and drown in them.

But if we keep ourselves securely on the shore, keep a sure footing, hold secure in God's promises - we do not have to fear the flood.  As quickly as the raging waters come, they also flow away from us.

"the flood would have engulfed us, the torrent would have swept over us, the raging waters would have swept us away" ~ Psalm 124: 4-5